The Karber Plan, Fixing the United States' dependence on foreign oil
Sex and Violence
Greg Karber
Issue date: 4/10/09 Section: Opinion
I know how to fix our nation's dependence on foreign oil, solve the energy crisis and return freedom and justice to all Americans, and I can explain it to you in three simple steps, which together comprise the Karber Plan:
1. Allow private businesses to fund and construct thousands of enormous hamster wheels. Once equipped, these hamster wheels would be able to generate 2,000 percent of our current electricity needs.
2. The U.S. government must then figure out how to genetically engineer giant hamsters. No problem there. They cracked the secrets of the atom, put a man on the moon and won the Cold War. I'm sure we can get a few giant hamsters out of them.
3. With the giant hamsters providing a substantial portion of our energy needs (the 2,000 percent figure only refers to our current energy needs; future energy needs will be substantially higher because of the excessive cost of producing enormous food pellets for the giant hamsters), we will be able to utilize our nuclear power plants, now burdened with the mundane task of providing electricity, in the pursuit of creating superheroes through freak nuclear accidents. Certainly, this will be very dangerous, but the potential rewards are massive, and I don't think this particular project can be ignored any longer.
Now, I know there has been a lot of criticism of the Karber Plan. Some have said that it's preposterous. Some have said that it doesn't make any sense, and that my faith in giant hamsters as a reliable source of continued energy is unfounded.
Giant hamsters, some have argued, are notoriously fickle, and will sometimes not run on their giant hamster wheels all day, no matter how much you try to coax them, but as soon as everybody's gone to sleep and nobody needs any energy anymore, oh, then they hop right on and run until they drop - and the wheels just keep squeaking and squeaking and it's driving everybody crazy!
Some have argued that my plan is suspiciously self-serving. Yes, it's true that I've spent the last several years traveling around the country, buying up every hamster I can find in an attempt to increase scarcity and artificially inflate costs. Yes, it's true that I own the majority stake in whatever company makes WD-40, demand for which will skyrocket in a vain attempt to silence the intolerable squeaking of the enormous wheels. Yes, it's true that I own Capes "R" Us, a cape superstore poised to make a killing if superheroes ever become real and need mass-produced costumes. And finally, yes, it's also true I own a factory for making giant food pellets.
1. Allow private businesses to fund and construct thousands of enormous hamster wheels. Once equipped, these hamster wheels would be able to generate 2,000 percent of our current electricity needs.
2. The U.S. government must then figure out how to genetically engineer giant hamsters. No problem there. They cracked the secrets of the atom, put a man on the moon and won the Cold War. I'm sure we can get a few giant hamsters out of them.
3. With the giant hamsters providing a substantial portion of our energy needs (the 2,000 percent figure only refers to our current energy needs; future energy needs will be substantially higher because of the excessive cost of producing enormous food pellets for the giant hamsters), we will be able to utilize our nuclear power plants, now burdened with the mundane task of providing electricity, in the pursuit of creating superheroes through freak nuclear accidents. Certainly, this will be very dangerous, but the potential rewards are massive, and I don't think this particular project can be ignored any longer.
Now, I know there has been a lot of criticism of the Karber Plan. Some have said that it's preposterous. Some have said that it doesn't make any sense, and that my faith in giant hamsters as a reliable source of continued energy is unfounded.
Giant hamsters, some have argued, are notoriously fickle, and will sometimes not run on their giant hamster wheels all day, no matter how much you try to coax them, but as soon as everybody's gone to sleep and nobody needs any energy anymore, oh, then they hop right on and run until they drop - and the wheels just keep squeaking and squeaking and it's driving everybody crazy!
Some have argued that my plan is suspiciously self-serving. Yes, it's true that I've spent the last several years traveling around the country, buying up every hamster I can find in an attempt to increase scarcity and artificially inflate costs. Yes, it's true that I own the majority stake in whatever company makes WD-40, demand for which will skyrocket in a vain attempt to silence the intolerable squeaking of the enormous wheels. Yes, it's true that I own Capes "R" Us, a cape superstore poised to make a killing if superheroes ever become real and need mass-produced costumes. And finally, yes, it's also true I own a factory for making giant food pellets.
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