The Traveler

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. -Samuel Johnson

A large bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon towered over two crystal wine glasses in the dim candlelight; the candle's aroma was overwhelmed only by the tang of grilled steaks and the lush perfume of red roses. A luxurious raspberry pâté was accompanied by chocolates and a simple "I love you" card - that cost about $5.

My roommate, actually clean and in his Sunday best, spared no effort or expense; I was even shunned from our apartment as the intimate dinner took place with the soft caroling of an Electric Light Orchestra vinyl spinning nonchalantly through the night.

The next day, his girlfriend dumped him.

Another poor soul was hit not only by Christmas and Valentine's Day, but also by his girlfriend's birthday in between the two. In less than two months, he had thrown down hundreds of dollars on his girlfriend. To do otherwise, after all, would just be insensitive.

Though without a girlfriend on Valentine's Day, even I felt the need to at least send flowers to a girl. Sixty dollars later, I realized I obviously chose the wrong one when she informed me she had "made other friends" and we could still hang out - "I guess."

It's a short walk from the penthouse to the poop deck.

Valentine's Day chocolates (half of them filled with Colgate Total toothpaste), overpriced cards, dinners, flowers, balloons and parades make up a $15 billion a year industry; men go out immediately after Christmas, in the middle of a recession, no less, and throw down $15,000,000,000.

Abhorrently materialistic, Valentine's Day has lost meaning. It went from a sort of Thanksgiving love fest to a bewildering corporate holiday that scares the crap out of us simpleton guys.

There's no need for that. We know what needs to be done to keep a girl around. As Mark Twain put it: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.

If a girl sticks around, a guy knows he must be doing OK. Then a holiday with the feel of a Mayan religious ceremony comes along. The gods of love demand sacrifice: your money or the curse of being labeled a cheap, uncaring jerk.

A long time ago, a man and his associates would go out into the wild and hunt down woolly mammoths and other ancient beasts, the risk of getting trampled or gored or eaten be damned. After a hearty meal of mastodon burgers and whatever side dish would successfully intermingle with that, they'd sit around a fire, pick their teeth, grunt and whittle. What a day - killing a freaking mammoth, feeding the family, getting the wife a new woolly fur coat, whittling and making love.

Yes, it pains me to be the bearer of bad news, but our best days are surely behind us.

After a long day of meaningless, drab work and/or classes, where a man accomplishes hardly anything tangible, anything at all, we're advised to do things like watch women's shows and be acutely attentive to new concepts like "expressing feelings."

It's strange; one would think entering the 21st century, we'd be even more glorious than our ancestors.

We don't eat our kill; we chow down on pizza shooters.

We don't cruise around in war chariots, but we swear we'll change the spare tire soon.

We haven't conquered a civilization, but trust us, we're ready for the day when the world will require our warrior capabilities and infinite wisdom.

But one thing that sets us far apart from many admirable ancestors is the idea of equality. We respect women more and, though, admittedly, we're still learning, we've come a long way. Not to say we're anywhere closer to understanding each other, but we could use a day like Valentine's Day to be a little more thankful and reflective; there's no need to bring five-dozen balloons into that.

Woman was taken out of man; not out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. - Matthew Henry

James Baker is a columnist for The Arkansas Traveler. His column appears every other Friday.

Article Tools