Spring Break
What happens when you die
Sex and violence
Greg Karber
Issue date: 11/14/08 Section: Opinion
Philosophers, theologians, regular people and others have contemplated for thousands of years the question of what happens when you die, but I now have the definitive, complete answer, broken down step by step and presented here to you, my loyal readers. And let me tell you, it's pretty crazy.
When you are first dying, you're going to see no sure signs of supernatural activity. Do not let this alarm you. Though you may see a bright, white light or feel as if your spirit is passing out of your body, scientists assure us that these are merely the natural results of oxygen deprivation to the brain.
Only once you have fully died and have passed completely out of the world does the real stuff begin, and I hate to break it to you, but you're going to be judged, and the judgment will come either immediately, after a few minutes or potentially at the end of all time.
Specifically, you will be judged by either Jesus, St. Peter, Charon, karma, Santa Claus or another celestial Judge Judy. Whoever it is, he or she will focus primarily upon the morality of your behavior; your adherence to the doctrines and dogmas of a certain religious faith; how exemplarily a member you were of your particular caste, class, race, or other arbitrarily-defined social category; your voting record; whether you reached enlightenment (or, failing that, how close you got); how entertaining you were; how many votes your heavenly fans text messaged to the number at the bottom of their metaphysical screens; what kind of grades you got in elementary school and how many recesses you had to spend sitting by the fence instead of playing with your friends; how often you exceeded the posted speeding limit; how surprised you seem to be by this whole judgment process (like golf, low scores are usually better on this one); whether you repented on your death bed (always a must!); or any other measurable quality about your life or person.
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do fine-you've been studying, right?
When you are first dying, you're going to see no sure signs of supernatural activity. Do not let this alarm you. Though you may see a bright, white light or feel as if your spirit is passing out of your body, scientists assure us that these are merely the natural results of oxygen deprivation to the brain.
Only once you have fully died and have passed completely out of the world does the real stuff begin, and I hate to break it to you, but you're going to be judged, and the judgment will come either immediately, after a few minutes or potentially at the end of all time.
Specifically, you will be judged by either Jesus, St. Peter, Charon, karma, Santa Claus or another celestial Judge Judy. Whoever it is, he or she will focus primarily upon the morality of your behavior; your adherence to the doctrines and dogmas of a certain religious faith; how exemplarily a member you were of your particular caste, class, race, or other arbitrarily-defined social category; your voting record; whether you reached enlightenment (or, failing that, how close you got); how entertaining you were; how many votes your heavenly fans text messaged to the number at the bottom of their metaphysical screens; what kind of grades you got in elementary school and how many recesses you had to spend sitting by the fence instead of playing with your friends; how often you exceeded the posted speeding limit; how surprised you seem to be by this whole judgment process (like golf, low scores are usually better on this one); whether you repented on your death bed (always a must!); or any other measurable quality about your life or person.
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do fine-you've been studying, right?
Viewing Comments 1 - 9 of 11
Ian Stone
posted 11/15/08 @ 3:06 PM CST
For those that want the truth. You are a Spiritual Being before you were born a human and on death your Spiritual side will leave your body.
A this moment you can choose to stay around the Earth Realm as a Spirit or Ghost or depart for your Spiritual home if you choose this option which most of you will you will be collected and guides home to your Soul Mates in the Spiritual World. (Continued…)
Brian
posted 11/17/08 @ 4:45 AM CST
The real truth is no one knows what happens...that's why it's called faith if you do happen to believe a particular way...but no one knows.
Mark McCollum
posted 11/18/08 @ 11:01 PM CST
The answer to this question is very simple: those who trust the Lord Jesus Christ and walk in his ways will enter into heaven; and those who die in iniquity without the Lord Jesus will receive eternal damnation in the lake of fire that burneth forever and ever. (Continued…)
Greg Karber
posted 11/20/08 @ 3:36 AM CST
And I pray that everyone here reads my newest column in this Friday's Traveler: it's about gay marriage, and the evangelicals are going to love it.
See you then!
kenny B
posted 11/26/08 @ 5:58 PM CST
dude, your a piece of shit. this is not true, nor scientifically correct. go read a science book on the theory of evolution, and then post and article of really what happens when you die, which is simple, your decomposing corpse rots in the ground. (Continued…)
Euphoria: Self Improvement
posted 11/29/08 @ 2:08 AM CST
We think in terms of the physical world. Cosmology teaches that outside of the physical world, there is no time and space. Our body lives in the physical world, but our soul lives outside of time and space. (Continued…)
Don
posted 12/03/08 @ 6:26 PM CST
First off, I don't think there's anything beyond what we have now. But, for the others, I would just like to ask if the "afterlife" will be both a physical and spirit existence? And can one have a consciousness of Self without the physical component? Etc etc. (Continued…)
Nancy Johnson
posted 3/11/09 @ 12:09 AM CST
Wait for next writes!
Sharon Theodoric
posted 3/11/09 @ 4:22 AM CST
I have to agree with teh poster above... :/ looks like a lot of hot air to me.
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