What's your personal patriotism score?
Sex and Violence
Greg Karber
Issue date: 10/17/08 Section: Opinion
We all know what we want in our next American president, and that's patriotism. He needs to be the most patriotic person we can find because then we'll know he cares most about the interests of our country and not those of the corporations who bankrolled his election campaign.
The only problem is, how do we measure patriotism? How do we quantify the abstract concept of love as directed toward the abstract concept of nationhood? You might think it would be easy, but you're wrong. Patriotologists struggled with this problem for hundreds of years, but there were just too many unanswerable questions.
For example, how do you differentiate between true love for one's country and the mere "puppy" variety for the place you grew up? Also, are you more or less patriotic if your love is sexual in nature - if you actually want to make love to your country?
Because of these uncertainties, the entire science of patriotology stood still until 1775, when the 2nd Continental Congress desperately needed help picking our first American president. They turned to Dr. Allen Funkenstein, a quiz-writer for Goodwife's, which was basically the colonial Cosmopolitan. His greatest work to date had been a three-question true/false quiz entitled, "Is the man your father told you to marry right for you, or should you be branded a witch and get thrown out of town?"
They wanted a short newspaper quiz that could quickly determine the most patriotic American, and Funkenstein came through. He developed the Patriotism Positioning Index, or PPI. The 2CC had it printed in every major newspaper and then told all of their friends to take it and submit their scores. Whoever submitted the highest score would be named president of the United States of America. As we all now know, this person turned out to be part-time librarian George Washington.
Since then, the PPI has been used to determine the outcome of every single presidential election, except for in 1968 when Richard Nixon was elected, and again in 1972 when he was re-elected. If that's not evidence that it works, I don't know what is.
The only problem is, how do we measure patriotism? How do we quantify the abstract concept of love as directed toward the abstract concept of nationhood? You might think it would be easy, but you're wrong. Patriotologists struggled with this problem for hundreds of years, but there were just too many unanswerable questions.
For example, how do you differentiate between true love for one's country and the mere "puppy" variety for the place you grew up? Also, are you more or less patriotic if your love is sexual in nature - if you actually want to make love to your country?
Because of these uncertainties, the entire science of patriotology stood still until 1775, when the 2nd Continental Congress desperately needed help picking our first American president. They turned to Dr. Allen Funkenstein, a quiz-writer for Goodwife's, which was basically the colonial Cosmopolitan. His greatest work to date had been a three-question true/false quiz entitled, "Is the man your father told you to marry right for you, or should you be branded a witch and get thrown out of town?"
They wanted a short newspaper quiz that could quickly determine the most patriotic American, and Funkenstein came through. He developed the Patriotism Positioning Index, or PPI. The 2CC had it printed in every major newspaper and then told all of their friends to take it and submit their scores. Whoever submitted the highest score would be named president of the United States of America. As we all now know, this person turned out to be part-time librarian George Washington.
Since then, the PPI has been used to determine the outcome of every single presidential election, except for in 1968 when Richard Nixon was elected, and again in 1972 when he was re-elected. If that's not evidence that it works, I don't know what is.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
James
posted 10/17/08 @ 5:36 AM CST
I do not appreciate the tone of this article - at all. Make these jokes in person where patriotic Americans can respond- maybe say, at the NCO Club on a US military base; try Fayetteville, NC for starters. (Continued…)
Sean Hannity
James
posted 10/17/08 @ 6:03 AM CST
Have you no decency, sir?
I do not appreciate the tone of this article - at all. Your words are those of an impudent child. Show some respect for the USA and those who defend her. (Continued…)
Greg Karber
posted 10/17/08 @ 4:18 PM CST
You're right, James. I was wrong. Next time I'll consult with Newsmax and Kobe Bryant before I write my column.
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