Terrorists change airport security, provide comedy
The Bahash Report
Nick Bahash
Issue date: 8/21/06 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
Just when you thought air travel couldn't get any better, the loveable terrorists are at it again. Our great friend England helped save America from another Sept. 11 on Aug. 10, but this time it might have been worse because the terrorists were going to take 10 planes.
Here's the plot. The terrorists had put different chemicals in various bottles of everyday stuff like baby formula. When on the plane, these chemicals were to be mixed together and form a liquid explosive, where they would blow up the plane.
Man, I can't wait to fly again because my favorite part is waiting in line for the security ride, and now it's gonna get even longer!
This new situation means that we (non-terrorists) can't bring any containers of liquids or containers of basically anything on the plane anymore.
I've been an advocate for long airport security lines. Right now we have random searches in airports.
True story; on my way to New York one of my friends was randomly searched twice while I laughed at him, and this friend of mine looks about as harmless as an old lady knitting a sweater for her kitten.
Another true story; I saw an old man and then a little girl get randomly selected for searching. The best and funniest part of waiting in the security line is getting to watch people being searched because there's nothing more awkward than being searched in front of so many people.
Let's recap the evolution of airport security. With Sept. 11 came the extremely long wait to go through airport security, not being able to take anything sharp or shiny on the plane and frequent random searches. That sucked because I always took my collector edition shiny NASCAR knives on every plane ride with me. Then some idiot has a bomb in his shoe and we have to take off our shoes and put them on the little conveyer belt thing.
And now we can't take toothpaste, water, hairspray, and so on, on to the plane. Some airports are not even allowing carry-ons on the plane.
What's next? The magazine and book bombs? The laptop bomb? Or heaven forbid, the iPod bomb, because I gots to have my iPod. Or worst of all, they could bring snakes on a plane.
Because America can't racially profile at airport security, I have proposed a new plan to help airport security run much more smoothly. First, I thought everyone should travel naked, but I then realized that some aren't as comfortable with their body as me. So I propose that everyone travel in their underwear and flip flops with no carry on bags.
Think about it. It would eliminate airport security almost entirely and pretty much eliminate the threat of another Sept. 11. And if you wear clothes, you're a terrorist, simple as that. This is the only way to keep the planes safe, people.
This part is for the liberals: I know some of you think that Bush orchestrated this thwarted terror attack and that he planned the whole Sept. 11 thing. I am truly sorry that you feel this way, but I have to admit I don't know what it feels like, because I have never felt un-American.
I am also sorry that you guys don't see the actual threat these Islamic terrorists pose. Here are some things I do to feel like an American. Every morning I pledge allegiance to the American flag in my room, sing the national anthem, and high five the life size cut out of Ronald Reagan I keep by my door. Then every night I catch some Fox News, "Colbert Report," I read a conservative book and check out townhall.com.
If this doesn't help you feel like a true American, then you will never become one and should probably move to Europe or something.
Nick Bahash is a contributing columnist for the Arkansas Traveler.
Here's the plot. The terrorists had put different chemicals in various bottles of everyday stuff like baby formula. When on the plane, these chemicals were to be mixed together and form a liquid explosive, where they would blow up the plane.
Man, I can't wait to fly again because my favorite part is waiting in line for the security ride, and now it's gonna get even longer!
This new situation means that we (non-terrorists) can't bring any containers of liquids or containers of basically anything on the plane anymore.
I've been an advocate for long airport security lines. Right now we have random searches in airports.
True story; on my way to New York one of my friends was randomly searched twice while I laughed at him, and this friend of mine looks about as harmless as an old lady knitting a sweater for her kitten.
Another true story; I saw an old man and then a little girl get randomly selected for searching. The best and funniest part of waiting in the security line is getting to watch people being searched because there's nothing more awkward than being searched in front of so many people.
Let's recap the evolution of airport security. With Sept. 11 came the extremely long wait to go through airport security, not being able to take anything sharp or shiny on the plane and frequent random searches. That sucked because I always took my collector edition shiny NASCAR knives on every plane ride with me. Then some idiot has a bomb in his shoe and we have to take off our shoes and put them on the little conveyer belt thing.
And now we can't take toothpaste, water, hairspray, and so on, on to the plane. Some airports are not even allowing carry-ons on the plane.
What's next? The magazine and book bombs? The laptop bomb? Or heaven forbid, the iPod bomb, because I gots to have my iPod. Or worst of all, they could bring snakes on a plane.
Because America can't racially profile at airport security, I have proposed a new plan to help airport security run much more smoothly. First, I thought everyone should travel naked, but I then realized that some aren't as comfortable with their body as me. So I propose that everyone travel in their underwear and flip flops with no carry on bags.
Think about it. It would eliminate airport security almost entirely and pretty much eliminate the threat of another Sept. 11. And if you wear clothes, you're a terrorist, simple as that. This is the only way to keep the planes safe, people.
This part is for the liberals: I know some of you think that Bush orchestrated this thwarted terror attack and that he planned the whole Sept. 11 thing. I am truly sorry that you feel this way, but I have to admit I don't know what it feels like, because I have never felt un-American.
I am also sorry that you guys don't see the actual threat these Islamic terrorists pose. Here are some things I do to feel like an American. Every morning I pledge allegiance to the American flag in my room, sing the national anthem, and high five the life size cut out of Ronald Reagan I keep by my door. Then every night I catch some Fox News, "Colbert Report," I read a conservative book and check out townhall.com.
If this doesn't help you feel like a true American, then you will never become one and should probably move to Europe or something.
Nick Bahash is a contributing columnist for the Arkansas Traveler.
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