The Traveler

Issue date: 5/3/06 Section: Lifestyles

Elizabeth St. John, Staff Columnist

There used to be a clothing store called Petite Sophisticate. It went out of business recently, but it was one of the only stores that sold clothes solely for mass-challenged people. All of the people who worked there, by the way, were miniature, like they belonged in the munchkin scene of Wizard of Oz.

During Christmastime, my dad and I used to go shopping at Petite Sophisticate for my mom, who could have been a member of the Lollipop Guild. But shopping was not our only goal. The trip was also always entertaining. We always liked to ask to see the items displayed on the top shelves, just to watch the saleswomen jump to reach them. Eventually, they would get a long hook to pull the item down, but sometimes they were even too short to make this work.

Now that Petite Sophisticate is closed, I don't know where my mom is going to buy clothes. I think all the small women of the world will soon be like the fabled emperor or they will disappear completely, because the petite sections of department stores are really a joke. All of the clothes there look like children's clothes. My mom has tried to shop in the Misses section before, but the arms on all the shirts are too long. Misses capri pants look tailored on her.Once, she even wandered over into the Women's section of Kohl's, only to realize that "Women" was a euphemism for "Wide." My mom complained, "What? I'm not a real woman because I can't shop in the 'Women's' section? Instead I'm labeled a petite, like I'm not even a real person!" I don't think I've ever met another woman who has voiced this concern.

But why do women's clothes have to be split up into different sections like this? The sizing system is so ridiculous. When you say you're going to go buy a size 6, what does that really mean? The honest answer is: no one really knows.

Guys' clothes are much more practical than women's when it comes to sizes. Everything in the men's department is sized by inches. You can't go wrong there. Everyone knows, even women, that 16-1/2 x 35 is a neck size and sleeve length; 36 x 32 is the waist and inseam for a pair of pants. Shorts are even easier. This is why men can get in and out of a store in five seconds flat. Women can try on 12 different pants all labeled with the same size, and only one pair will actually fit.

Because the women's clothing size system is so screwy, I've come up with a solution. This new solution comes from my nickname for my mom, which is Shrimp. We should size clothes just like the shrimp count at the seafood counter. You know, you can buy shrimp that is 40 count per pound, and you get tiny shrimp. On the other hand, 12 count shrimp are considered "Jumbo."

For example, Eva Longoria, who is 5 feet 2 and wears a size 0, would be a 60 count. Teri Hatcher = 36 count. Oprah = 20 count. Roseanne = 12 count.

This system would be so much easier and so much more honest. It would be so simple that you could actually size people while walking down the street. Instead of saying, "Whoa, she's really huge!" you could say, "Wow, she's got to be a 12 count!"

Elizabeth St. John is a staff columnist. Her columns appeared on Wednesdays.

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